The Lord has been doing some work in my heart and as a result, I feel that it is time to admit that we are indeed dealing with INFERTILITY. It is scary and hard to feel labeled, but in order for there to be real healing, there must be acknowledgment of a problem.
So, I am admitting... and I am asking the Lord to heal my heart first. I need Him to soften me and keep me soft in this process. Lately, I have felt my heart get hard and distrusting of His heart and goodness. I feel like I have a been in a season where I was grasping for truth from past experiences and knowledge, but I wasn't hearing fresh words from the Father's heart. I think I wasn't allowing my heart to get close enough to Him to let Him speak. I was trying to believe that He is good, but I wasn't letting Him hold me and show me His goodness.
The Lord SPOKE again- a FRESH word, last weekend at our Elevate retreat. A lady came up to me and spoke that God had a word for me, she said, "Don't lose hope..." and she prayed for me. Then, I felt like the Lord reminded me of Hannah who poured out her heart to the Lord to the point of the priest thinking she was drunk. She didn't focus on what was wrong or why it wasn't happening, she just poured out her heart to her God. I felt the Lord draw my heart and He spoke, "Ask me, just pour your heart out before me..." My argument was...But, I am scared- it will hurt to ask- to let myself be soft again. He gently spoke, "Even if the answer is No at the end of the journey, you still win- you will have intimacy with ME. Just come to ME and ask."
So, I am beginning a new journey... a journey to healing of my heart and learning to ask my Father to heal my body and even to ask for a baby. It feels so vulnerable, but it is in the soft and vulnerable heart that the Lord can work. We don't have the option at this point financially to look at any other medical treatment, so I get to learn about the waiting and experiencing the Father's heart in the process. Who knows what He will do???
This book has been a great resource for us in the healing. It has some great words for keeping a strong marriage in the midst of infertility. We are learning that it is OUR struggle, not just mine. It can be a sweet time of intimacy in our marriage if we learn how to grieve together. I totally recommend this book to couples going through infertility.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
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3 comments:
I love you guys sooooo much. Thank you for your honesty, we are praying, hoping, and trusting with you.
AnnaBeth,
It's been so great getting to know you in just a few short encounters. Even in those few encounters my heart has been so blessed by your words and wisdom. You walk your faith with such strength even through challenges in this journey. You are in encouragement to all and I'm excited to walk next to you in this season!
He will give you the desires of your heart. He could possibly change the desires as we yield them to Him, but He is faithful. Your dad read part of John Piper's book, Desiring God, last night. It was very meaningful that God glories in Himself, enjoys Himself, delights in Himself, rejoices in Himself. It isn't selfish. It is all perfectly glorious. It's a new concept for me to totally revel in His Glory!!!
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