So, we have officially decided to start the application process for fostering to adopt. I am not sure how to feel- I'm excited, almost the way I felt the first time I found out I was pregnant. There is fear of the unknown, fear of Keith's past records, fear of fostering and then losing the baby before adoption, but in the midst of all the fear and questions, in my heart there is hope in God. He is not bound to those things He is limitless, so why would I limit Him in my fears? I know the Lord has promised us more children and I'm not sure how He will do it.
It's obviously been hard to lose 2 pregnancies and to only have bad news every time a doctor looks at my reproductive system. I have held to and believed to the core of me as the psalmist said, "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD." Psalm 112:7. Even in the face of lots of "bad news", I know that my God is BIG and so good, He does have plans for our good, even if that is through pain. I have experienced so much of God's heart in this whole journey and I know there is more to come. I LOVE the heart of God for adoption. I love that God is establishing in my heart that HE IS GOOD! He really does give us the medicine of JOY in the midst of pain.
I love that God is bigger than our wants and our disappointments. I love that if I put my hope in anything else, no matter how good, I will be disappointed. I love that hope in God will never disappoint me (Isaiah 49:23).
So, here we go, another unknown adventure... maybe God will heal my womb and allow space for a baby to grow, or maybe He will give us a baby that needs to be healed and a home to grow in, maybe both, but we want to be willing ultimately to meet God in all of this, whatever the outcome.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
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